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| 02.28.2006__Fairytale #96 -- i wrote a letter for you today. it will
never be given to you, but deep down lurks the mad caprice that it will wind up in your hands somehow, through a series of unknown
fortuities
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| 12.28.2005___Fairytale #96 -- "...hanging above their heads was a different sort of encounter, where ribbons of cigarette exhaust became entangled with threads of mundane conversations, both becoming increasingly indistinct, until it was a fog of smoke and noise. He had resented both. He walked out of the drinking place to catch a breath of fresh air, only to find a girl smoking and talking obnoxiously at the door. He remembered times when he found pleasure in such dissolution, but it was not tonight.
He walked towards the end of the archway, where it met the side of a street, and stopped, caught by a sudden familiarity. The entrance to the hotel was then covered in festive lightings, but he could remember how it looked during the day, because that was when they went there. There was a parking lot in front of the hotel, which was full of cars. He tried very hard to remember where they had parked, and the room which they had stayed in. He remembered there was a window in the bathroom, and how he had hated it. But what had then been a nuisance was now his only clue.
With a painful exactitude he committed every detail of the hotel to his memory, splicing together the fragments that he had remembered with her. He took away the festive lights and the darkness, and painted his own milieu. It was dusk. A few of the cars disappeared and the vehicle he used to drive was parked in the lot. Then he saw them again, him and her, they were holding hands, walking towards the glass doors. He let himself be absorbed in the moment, like a restoration artist who looks at his work upon completion, before it is returned to its owner.
The hotel also did not belong to him, nor did the moment. It belonged to time and the frailty of this memory. With a deep sigh he returned to the drinking place, to the indiscernible fog of smoke and noise that hung in mid-air..." | | |
| 07/30/05 - Days of insouciance " In this city, everyone haunches. With their backs crooked, they bear the unbearable weight of their past, of their mundane life, and of all the values they forcefully ascribed to make worthwhile their mundane life. Their silence continued to weave complexity and impermeability into their code, their implicit and sacred code. It is this mute apprehension that preserves their sanctity, their civilization. What granted them consciousness of themselves, the only thing that separated them, was also the only thing they had in common in this solidarity. Endless folds of unfathomable past and painful history were concealed between their bodies. Even when they kissed, it was through the lips of endless lovers, as they try, frantically, to find a prototype, a ledge, a hold, anything to prevent them from falling into the folds of unfathomable past of their partners. And so they weren’t kissing each other, but each was kissing its own past..."
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| _____.:Memorandum:. _____ last: 16.06.04 __________________________________________
01.07.2003_____Fairytale #96 -- "...i swear i’ve sworn a
million times before that i will never touch a drink or a
cigarette if it was for her. yet i found myself renewing
this futile promise in front of the computer tonight, all
because of her name. for a second, i felt my heart wrench,
as i considered the possibility of her being invisible to
me, purposely being unknown to me. then i realized how
ridiculous i was being, how incredibly ridiculous and
helpless. i only wished that she didn’t have such a name, i
wish that she had a name so weird, the pronunciation so
unorthodox, the arrangement of letters so eccentric that i
will never see the same sequence anywhere again, that i will
never hear anything like it again, but i know, but i know,
even so, somehow, from the back of my mind, it will still
manage to manifest itself and resurface when i least expect
it to. i understand now, how something can be unforgettable,
how something can be so memorable, how something so
beautiful that it can spoil the rest of the world once it’s
gone. i’m not sad that it’s no longer here, i’m only glad
that it had once been here, been with me, been
mine..."________________________________________________________
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04.07.2003_____Fairytale#211 -- "...through the glass i
could see the water beads. i could never figure out who left
them there, how did they get there. the canopy of concrete
and metal above it annihilated any possibility of rain.
through air, and then through another piece of glass, i see
it. i see imprisonment. and then my vision is obscured by
another image. by golly, it is myself. a faintly reflected
image of me, that does not extend to anywhere beyond my own
physique. i’m running. i’m running with such speed. a red
silhouette running, perpetually trapped in the frame of
glass, set in front of a vacant city. how sad. what am i
running from? who am i running from? the answer lies in the
darkness behind me, obscured by the water beads, and the
darkness
itself._________________________________________________________
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i have thought of it, bringing josh to the subway, and
listening to music there, writing there. the whole world
could be just him, the music, and the screen. how nice.
something for nothing. i would get off at the same station.
i would have toured around the whole route, the whole city
and paid the fee of one station.
ingenious.______________________________________________________
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i saw the most beautiful girl i have seen in my life today.
i tried really hard to recall, to remember any faint figure
that had impressed such a thought on my mind. found none.
she was tanned dark, with long blonde hair. a very unrefined
style, uncultivated, and extremely dated. yet, her slim
figure, her remarkable height for an asian, and her fair
features speak of arresting class. and somehow, it had
elicited class out of her outdated style as well. it was all
in harmony. her appearance was timeless, the epitome of
taste, having the ability to appeal regardless of the
society and time. how beautiful she was. i only wished that
i can remember her, the way she looked, every detail in my
mind. her nobility somehow made me feel sad. i felt that she
was in solitude, so alone in her own world of perfection,
where no one is worthy enough to be in. everything must have
seemed so flawed to her, everything must have been so ugly,
how sad. i wish i was beautiful too, i wish, i could make
her world complete, i
wish..."________________________________________________________
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07.19.2003_____Fairytale #211 -- "...the droplets seep
through the foliage, in rays of a color we call golden. yet,
truly,
nothing that we know of, nothing of our meek knowledge, can
ever be compared to this angelic hue. i watch, as the
droplets dance in streams upon the back of my hand. they
speak of effervescence. i moved my fingers up and down, back
and forth between my index and my little finger, in a
wavelike fashion, as if i was playing an instrument with a
keyboard. the rays momentarily washed away the hand’s
grotesqueness. all the things that it had touched, all the
things that it had been reluctant to touch, and all the
things that it wish it had touched. they were washed away.
the mechanics of the limbs that lay underneath the skin were
heightened by the interplay of light and shadow as i
continued to move my fingers. i was…mesmerized. as i moved
on through the tall barks, walking bare-footed on the
slightly moist earth, i couldn’t notice any fallen leaves.
there was no path, and i had merely followed a crack that
interrupted the dense plantation. yet, it was quite
pleasant. i could never see very far ahead, but i was
unconcerned. the perpetual evergreen that seemed to extend
to infinity didn’t bother me either. i knew, that i were to
come across a glade
soon..."________________________________________________________
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26.07.2003_____Fairytale#1116 -- "...The glow emanating from
the mouth of the entrance, coupled with the drone of
machinery conveys some sort of outdated modernity, some
weird temperament that was strangely very comfortable. The
sound had never been so distinct, the sound of two
escalators running in opposite directions. I had set my foot
on either of them for over a hundred times, and this is the
first moment that I had stopped at such close proximity and
listened. It was like a gentle
lullaby.________________________________________________________
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The moment was captured in monotone in the pane of glass
directly across from them. In this world of four dimensions,
that moment was eternal. No other event with the same space
time can ever exist. The two silhouettes contrasted,
ironically, by a heart, painted one half with fuchsia, the
other with blue. It came from the advertising screen behind
us..."__________________________________________________________
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04.08.2003_____Fairytale unnumbered -- "...i wish, that
gravity would lose its clemency in me, so i could soar far
away from this world that i cannot
comprehend..."__________________________________________________
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--.12.2003_____Fairytale #827 -- "...Aramay, remember this,
remember how i look like and how i feel like, and if i ever
looked different from this moment, i want you to not forget
how i am now; because i've once been beautiful for you. Open
your hands, these are the pretty things that belonged to me,
and now, they are yours to
keep..."________________________________________________________
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16.06.2004_____Fairytale #you -- "...I had another dream of you. it was in sepia. in a distance, little lights ran the length of the beach. they were beginning to converge into a line, parallel to the shore. the soft glow that they gave flowed steadily down the beach, like a wave that eventually crashed onto the waterline and blurred in with the other wave. in this darkness, the sound of waves was the only testimony to the sea’s presence; and in this loneliness, the sea was the only testimony to ours/ monochrome/ lemongrass/ her/ long slender cigarette/ fumes/ him/ polished metal/ black/ reflections/ nonchalance/ 1972/ paris/ you/ lips/ smile/ stood/ you/ me/ stars/ space/ here/ where/ here/ you/ lips/ me/ you/ stars/ you...." _______________________________________________________
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